Are You Just on Autopilot?

Have you ever caught yourself mid-reaction — snapping at a comment that wasn't really a big deal, saying yes before you even thought about it, apologising for something that wasn't your fault—and wondered where did that even come from?

Without even realising it, we can arrive in adulthood carrying a code of conduct — behaviours, beliefs, whole ways of thinking — that were programmed into us before we ever had the chance to think it through ourselves. And here's the thing: this isn't just something that happened to us. It's not a passive story imposed on a blank slate. It was an unconscious but active decision about what our life would be — built from strategies and tactics handed down by authority figures like parents and teachers, and reinforced by our environment and culture.

Piece by piece, these are the things that mould us into who we are.

By the time we reach adulthood, it's easy to think "well, this is just how it is" or "this is just what I do." Relationships are a great way of shining a light on some of these unchallenged programs. When my husband and I first got together, there were so many moments where he'd laugh and ask, "Why do you think that?" or "Who told you that?" I was amazed to realise how much I'd just accepted as gospel my whole life, without ever questioning it.

So how do you actually spot a script running? Usually it's in the size of the reaction — a feeling that's bigger than the moment calls for. It's in the choices that don't feel like choices at all, because you've made them the same way a hundred times without thinking. And often, it's in the body before it ever reaches your mind: the tight chest right before you say no, the stomach drop before you ask for something you actually want. The body tends to know the script is running before you consciously catch it.

These beliefs and behaviours are often genuinely effective ways of coping or navigating childhood and adolescence — strategies that served you well for years, whether that meant navigating the school system, climbing the career ladder, or just fitting in and growing up. But then you find yourself as an adult wondering why there's a feeling of disconnect running underneath your life. That's often because you're living out an unchallenged script that was given to you by proximity or circumstance — not one that's actually from you, aligned with who you are and what you believe now as an adult.

One of my favourite things to do with clients is help them stop, reflect, and get curious: does this script still serve you? Does it work against you? Do you even agree with what it says anymore? Self-awareness is the baseline for all of it. Once you start digging into the story, you get to decide how the next chapter gets written — not just for yourself, but for what you pass on to the people who come after you. There's no magic wand to erase these scripts, behaviours, or thoughts — but there is a way to interrupt them each time, and commit to yourself to try doing things differently.

You don't have to feel powerless to change. Almost everything is possible when you approach it with realistic expectations about what's actually in your control — and gentleness toward yourself about the rest. The version you rewrite is the one your kids, or the people who watch how you handle stress, absorb next.

This week, see if you can catch just one script in the moment it's running — no need to change it yet, just notice it. That noticing is where it all starts.